A certain marj in the universe said,
"One thing you must realize, these feelings will pop up again at certain
times in your life..."
My reply to that would be my infamous "i can attest to that" line.
They do. When everything seems to be okay, when you are on steady ground... they pop up all of a sudden, shaking you once again.
The past three days counted as those "certain times when they will pop up again". Monday and Tuesday was smooth. For a long time, I've never felt so peaceful, so secured, so confident that good things will happen just as I wait.
Wednesday, however, was the killer. I lost my phone and there goes the trigger. Having merely sleep and limited my connection to people.One of my friend (kat) probably have heard this from me a lot of times. While there are YM, Facebook, name it, as options - they're not just as accessible.
Friday, I went home in the morning drunk decided to take a taxi. So, i hailed the bright of session road. . The "hinge" part of the taxi door hit my right thigh and knee, and boy did it hurt. I wanted to cry, not because I was in pain, but because I felt so afraid. Masakit, nakakatakot... at magisa ako. But i tried to fight it over and focused on getting home safe, and thankfully, I made it. Ikaw ng lasing ksi hmpft
The moment I arrived, I told tta mercy my board mate. My news seemed more like a trivia to her. "Oh? Talaga?" was her response. And I know that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I went to bed after and tried to sleep, but couldn't. I did one thing I knew I had to do... CRY. I read the blog “when your down to nothing God is up to something. after but none of what I read sank in. I tried to talk to God but all I could mutter was, "Lord, I feel so alone." I kept on repeating Psalms 62:5, "Find rest o my soul in God alone..." I calmed down after sometime. I tried going back to sleep again but still couldn't.
I borrowed eric’s phone and texted my friend brandie about it. he sent me an online message after and asked me about what happened and then I shared. If the news sounded like a trivia to tta mercy, the news sounded like something that's happened to another person and not me. "Ay hala!" and then he shifts to a new topic. Again, not the response I wanted to hear.
I was seeking for comfort. Not just a sigh of relief to know that i'm okay and alive. Yes, I was hurt. But know too how horror-ed I was. That's what I wanted comfort for more than anything else. Conversation with friend was over after a few minutes. I pretended to be okay. "khate, your own cares."
Went back to bed and had that lonely feeling again. Before I knew it, kinakain na naman ako ng thoughts at emotions ko. I felt lonely and empty. There went the longing again, the wishing, the going back to the past. And then i was able to fall asleep.
Woke up .. I was drowning in my emotions already, add to that my hurting leg. The drama didn't stop as I almost scream, I felt damn hurt. For more! And then there were tears.
And that was it, surefire, khate’s not okay. khate's unstable once more. I tried to read blogs again but none of what I read sank in. Read a devotional online and boy, was it timely. The question was "have you left your heart unguarded?" I read through it but nothing was really sinking in.
Caught arv online and talked to him. Drama. Drama. Drama. None of what he was advising was also sinking in. I was just so full of emotions. Then he went offline.
blogings again
"don't let him have a foothold on you. be strong. see how the Lord helped us through everything, and whenever manggugulo ang kaaway. remember, God is for you, who can be against you?"
- It's true, the enemy will always try to take away from us the victory that we have in God. And the key is not to let the enemy take it away from us.
And then I remembered what my friend told me, your emotions are not your master. God is.
And as a response to loneliness, the devotional suggested to think of this: "According to Jesus, you have a Heavenly Father who loves you, you know" Plus the devotional quoted: Here’s His promise… “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4: 6 & 7, NIV)
marj was right. When you're drowned in your emotions. Fight it! Drown yourself in the word.
And this morning I will once again tell myself, "Find rest my soul in God alone. My Hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and salvation. He is my fortress. I will not be shaken."
I have to remember to hold on to THE rock so even if the ground gets a little or not little shaky, I'll stay still.
My reply to that would be my infamous "i can attest to that" line.
They do. When everything seems to be okay, when you are on steady ground... they pop up all of a sudden, shaking you once again.
The past three days counted as those "certain times when they will pop up again". Monday and Tuesday was smooth. For a long time, I've never felt so peaceful, so secured, so confident that good things will happen just as I wait.
Wednesday, however, was the killer. I lost my phone and there goes the trigger. Having merely sleep and limited my connection to people.One of my friend (kat) probably have heard this from me a lot of times. While there are YM, Facebook, name it, as options - they're not just as accessible.
Friday, I went home in the morning drunk decided to take a taxi. So, i hailed the bright of session road. . The "hinge" part of the taxi door hit my right thigh and knee, and boy did it hurt. I wanted to cry, not because I was in pain, but because I felt so afraid. Masakit, nakakatakot... at magisa ako. But i tried to fight it over and focused on getting home safe, and thankfully, I made it. Ikaw ng lasing ksi hmpft
The moment I arrived, I told tta mercy my board mate. My news seemed more like a trivia to her. "Oh? Talaga?" was her response. And I know that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I went to bed after and tried to sleep, but couldn't. I did one thing I knew I had to do... CRY. I read the blog “when your down to nothing God is up to something. after but none of what I read sank in. I tried to talk to God but all I could mutter was, "Lord, I feel so alone." I kept on repeating Psalms 62:5, "Find rest o my soul in God alone..." I calmed down after sometime. I tried going back to sleep again but still couldn't.
I borrowed eric’s phone and texted my friend brandie about it. he sent me an online message after and asked me about what happened and then I shared. If the news sounded like a trivia to tta mercy, the news sounded like something that's happened to another person and not me. "Ay hala!" and then he shifts to a new topic. Again, not the response I wanted to hear.
I was seeking for comfort. Not just a sigh of relief to know that i'm okay and alive. Yes, I was hurt. But know too how horror-ed I was. That's what I wanted comfort for more than anything else. Conversation with friend was over after a few minutes. I pretended to be okay. "khate, your own cares."
Went back to bed and had that lonely feeling again. Before I knew it, kinakain na naman ako ng thoughts at emotions ko. I felt lonely and empty. There went the longing again, the wishing, the going back to the past. And then i was able to fall asleep.
Woke up .. I was drowning in my emotions already, add to that my hurting leg. The drama didn't stop as I almost scream, I felt damn hurt. For more! And then there were tears.
And that was it, surefire, khate’s not okay. khate's unstable once more. I tried to read blogs again but none of what I read sank in. Read a devotional online and boy, was it timely. The question was "have you left your heart unguarded?" I read through it but nothing was really sinking in.
Caught arv online and talked to him. Drama. Drama. Drama. None of what he was advising was also sinking in. I was just so full of emotions. Then he went offline.
blogings again
"don't let him have a foothold on you. be strong. see how the Lord helped us through everything, and whenever manggugulo ang kaaway. remember, God is for you, who can be against you?"
- It's true, the enemy will always try to take away from us the victory that we have in God. And the key is not to let the enemy take it away from us.
And then I remembered what my friend told me, your emotions are not your master. God is.
And as a response to loneliness, the devotional suggested to think of this: "According to Jesus, you have a Heavenly Father who loves you, you know" Plus the devotional quoted: Here’s His promise… “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4: 6 & 7, NIV)
marj was right. When you're drowned in your emotions. Fight it! Drown yourself in the word.
And this morning I will once again tell myself, "Find rest my soul in God alone. My Hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and salvation. He is my fortress. I will not be shaken."
I have to remember to hold on to THE rock so even if the ground gets a little or not little shaky, I'll stay still.
-khate
